To Exist as a Jew
by Jess Berdugo, High School Intern
I am afraid
Not of monsters that lurk under my bed
Not of demons that roam in my head
Not of sharks with teeth as sharp as swords
Not of massive giants or minuscule dwarves
I am afraid to exist, to exist as a Jew
I fear for my life, unsure what to do
My synagogue is gated with guards holding guns
When prayers end my feet start to run
I no longer feel safe when walking around
Wearing my Magen-David necklace thinking this is where my body will be found
A 17 year old girl should not fear for her life
I should not be called vermin, a rodent, a dirty kike
So many of us murdered I can’t keep track
What have we done that made you attack?
I can no longer act like I am unfazed by it all
I can’t keep laughing, smiling and having a ball
I go on the internet during my free time
There is so much antisemitism on my timeline
Pictures of ovens with Jews as recipes
Videos of tattoo artists making mockeries
Chanukah is known as the festival of lights
This year it was 8 nights filled with fights
People punched and people stabbed
I am not only afraid but I am mad
I am mad that we cannot celebrate without fear
That the violence against us worsens every year
There is nowhere that is safe for us to exist
Even our own country is on the danger list
Rockets and missiles rain down from North to South
I look at the news and no words can escape from my mouth
Tears like rivers roll down my cheeks
I cannot contain the voice inside me that yearns to shriek
“Stop killing my people” I want to scream
It feels as though my ears are emitting steam
Never again we say
Pittsburgh, London, Germany, it happens everyday
It happens on Chanukah it happens on Shabbat
Every life lost is a stab to the gut
Was 6 million not enough?
Did no one learn, is it that tough?
I want to feel safe
I want to be in an uber and not fear for my life
I want to be in shul and not think “if they have a gun I need a knife”
I want to be in my home and feel safe within its walls
I want to be in my school and not have lockdown calls
I just want to feel safe without hiding myself, without wearing a mask
But I guess that is too much for a Jew like me to ask
How do I stay positive when my people are dying
How do I stay positive when I always feel like crying
I try so hard to be strong, to be brave
But I fear that one of these days my body will cave
But I will not let it
I will not allow for these haters to win
I will not be a voodoo doll for them to stick a pin
I will continue to learn and I will continue to pray
For my Judaism is here to stay
There will always be hate that I cannot ignore
I may not be able to stop it but it will not break my core
We will stand together to fight for a better fate
Where Jews won’t have to live in fear of an unfair death date
We remember those beautiful souls who were stolen from this earth
Their legacy is honored with every Jewish birth
We will never forget every name that engraves a headstone
We will never forget every life that was lost unknown
Hate will not defeat us, hate will not consume our existence
We will live for those who perished and we know they watch us from a distance
Brothers and sisters, our people are a family
Families stay together no matter the hate or insanity
I am proud to exist, to exist as a Jew
I will live my life with joy even when I am unsure what to do
My synagogue is my sanctuary, it shines brighter than the sun
I dread when the prayers end and the service is done
I must take a few extra precautions when walking around
But I will refuse to let hatred make me house-bound
A 17 year old girl should not fear for her life
That is why we will never stop fighting until everything is right
